urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen shatterfallen shatterfallen 2008-01-28T05:04:46Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:35329 2008-01-28T05:04:46Z 2008-01-28T05:04:46Z This blog is pathetic. Hahaha! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:35321 2007-11-27T00:03:44Z 2007-11-27T00:03:44Z Oh it's so ironic... I won't bother putting the title. I feel so stupid. I don't know what to say, after going through all of it over and over in my head. How can you get something that slips away so easily? I hate living to chase like this. I just wish my voice mattered for once. Especially to you. I'm in your hands like I've always been. They tell me it's unhealthy, a bad idea. I just... need you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:34852 2007-10-04T01:58:28Z 2007-10-06T21:44:39Z nevermind urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:34564 2007-09-20T22:57:12Z 2007-09-20T22:57:12Z Pearls of Light - Within Temptation There is a surge through me that I cannot resist. It flows from my fingertips into the depths of my mind to never return again. I feel power. I feel strength. Only when I hear this. Only when I feel this. I've lost the ability to show it. Not to you, them or her. It feels like the cold air clasping your throat. When your breath is short and ice lines your lungs. The chill that climbs up your arms to the tops of the skin where it meets the beating sun. And the warmth pushes it all back, back to your soul. And in my mind with all this happening is a swirl of black and purple and red and white. Feilds turn green then red then black. Ages pass, mountains whither and turn into nothing. The tower blackened by my sun is collapsing into a deep abyss forever to be hidden by life regrown. The night passes as quickly as the day and neither ever seem to raise or fall. Just appear, turning the sky from black to white and white to black. There so much more, so much I can't say.<br />I just wish I could share it with someone, again. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:34424 2007-09-13T05:02:50Z 2007-09-13T05:02:50Z Stately Lover - Lacuna Coil Ah it's finally coming back! All of it. I can see it. Hear it. Feel it.<br />I love this.<br /><br />Winter is coming. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:34278 2007-09-11T17:54:40Z 2007-09-11T17:54:40Z From The Cradle to Enslave - Cradle of Filth It's good to hear this again.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:33870 2007-09-08T07:15:05Z 2007-09-08T07:15:05Z I hate this. I hate writing about fucking teen angst. About heartbreaks and all this emo-bullshit.<br /><br />I hate living with this.<br />I hate impulses.<br />I hate red hair.<br />I hate dancing.<br />I hate walls.<br />I hate armor.<br />I hate war.<br />I hate "bullshit".<br />I hate book stores.<br />I hate the kingdom.<br />I hate the council.<br />I hate the towers.<br />I hate royalty.<br />I hate the ocean.<br />I hate who I really am.<br />And I hate not being able to actually BE him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:33579 2007-09-02T03:48:37Z 2007-09-02T20:14:45Z I feel good about myself. Like, more then usual. In a more realistic way, none of that fake vanity or pride and arrogance. Like real self esteem. Not something I have to conjure up myself. Something I don't come across that often. Just recently for some reason. I get hit on a lot everytime I go out. I've been called handsome/good looking in terms of my body and face twice by people I know and have known for some time. I don't see myself in any different light but.. I guess everyone else says otherwise.<br /><br />--edit--<br />resolved<br />--edit-- urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:33494 2007-08-27T14:46:28Z 2007-08-27T14:46:28Z Bloodsport - Sneaker Pimps No one really reads this but me so I guess I have the freedom to say what I want without any backlash.<br /><br />It's too much of a rush. I'm sitting here, at the couches waiting for my 11 o'clock class to start and it's barely 9:30. I came in headstrong, without a worry or concern in my mind. I thought this was going to be easy.<br />I just had to go and read that. It wasn't even about me, but I know why it was written. It's a reflection of me, of what I do, like I used to do in turn for _____. Memories just keep rushing in. It happened right here. I could of said something. And from here it grew into something amazing and powerful. Something I had to destroy. I thought seeing Brooke would help me. After last night, the food the music the night air... I let go too easily. I need to be more reserved. It's bad to give in to something you've just gotten a taste of so early. It's worse when the taste turns into a tease at the tip of your tongue. I feel so guilty for what I write. And it's not offensive, doesn't send up any alarms, nothing. But that's only to you. The rest of you. You as a collective, that is what you percieve.<br />I fucking miss this... this sound, this sun, this dirt, these clouds, this spray of water, this gravel, these trees... this song... this hand... this feeling... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:33228 2007-08-16T00:43:30Z 2007-08-16T00:43:30Z I feel so fragmented... Shattered. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:32996 2007-08-10T20:04:36Z 2007-08-10T20:04:36Z All I can say is that you trust her word over mine even though I've done nothing against you ever and have stood by your side come hell or high water. You don't get that you basically mean the world to me and that I would never turn my back on you. But if you want to follow her then do so. I'm sorry, and I don't even know why I'm apologizing.<br /><br />God this feels like shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:32595 2007-08-08T22:37:20Z 2007-08-08T22:37:20Z I got my first lap top, so here's to me posting my first entry with it.<br /><br />Ok, the pain is constant now, don't know what it is exactly that's causing it.<br /><br />I love The Sims 2. It's consming my life.<br /><br />Erica S. and I had a good day today at the bakery. It hasn't been like that for a while.<br /><br />Ember is such a good person. I heart her.<br /><br /><br />Sarah I want to take you out somewhere. You need a break. I'll call you to make plans. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:32417 2007-08-07T19:36:30Z 2007-08-07T19:36:30Z Ties That Bind - Alter Bridge I don't know what to do about her. Or either of them. I'm just so confused. I've neglected her for so long and I don't know what she wants from me. And the other... I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know if she even wants to start something with me.<br /><br />I can't contain the bitterness forever. I haven't exploded in a while... I guess I'm due soon.<br /><br /><br />Speaking of things exploding... my appendix might be about to burst. I don't know for sure. I don't want it to. Not because it'll hurt, no I'm masochistic remember? It's because I have to go to school. I have to work. I have to make money. I have to take care of my friends. I have to see Marka soon. I have to hang out with Meredith. I have to see Hannah L. as well.<br />I have better things to do then to sit in a hospital with tubes in my stomach.<br /><br />I'm coming to a decision about what I sould get. A lap top or save for a car. I'm going to apply today at Barnes and Nobles. I don't care about my Framers Certificate. Michaels can shove it up their ass. I probably won't go into framing again. It's fun, yes, but I'm tired of the bullshit that's attached. What's good is that I've wanted to work in a bookstore for a while. After reading about Alessi and how she was at so much peace and happiness although she had a completely shit life I'm sort of modeling myself after her. The only difference between us is her ignorance. It was her ignorance that kept her happy, like the peasents in kingdoms, but she's more then a simple peasent. I've too much already built on me to just toss it away for one aspect of my character. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:32145 2007-08-05T22:29:57Z 2007-08-05T22:32:49Z You Know What You Are? - NIN "You know how people bitch about how they've been friends for, like ever and the other person never even realizes that they're the one right?"<br />"Yeah, it's a load of crap."<br />"You can't expect someone to love you just because you've been there with them their entire life. There's that whole sexual aspect you've got to consider."<br />"Yeah. I mean if I'm not attracted to you then it's not gonna happen..."<br />"Two parts to a whole game. You need both to win."<br /><br /><br />It's how life is, not just friendship and love. I only ask myself if I am missing anything, why it is that people I want to trust don't trust me. It makes me feel helpless, useless and like I'm wasting my time. It makes me bitter and vengful that I hold so few in such high pedestals and they in turn ignore me. That is the source of my own vanity. You can't rely on anyone for anything. Everyone is so damn self centered. I want to help you. I want to listen, to give advice. I don't want to ask for anything in return, just trust. I try to think of the other person, always. When Sky got into that accedent I drove her to get some comfort food. When Erica was feeling down I made sure to call her when the silence seemed too long. Just to see if she wanted to talk, to make sure she was ok. I always try to keep everyone else in mind, before myself. And it all goes to waste, because no one does that for me in return. Still that wont stop me. I'll call you. I'll pay for you. I'll protect you. And when you take without saying thank you I'll just turn around and wait for the next day, hoping that someday I'll find someone with an actual heart. Guy or girl, this isn't about love. This is about being human.<br /><br />So far you're all the same.<br />Someone please prove me wrong. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:31952 2007-07-25T22:32:35Z 2007-07-25T22:32:35Z It's been a while. Mostly because you're a waste of my time.<br />I'm hungry. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:31585 2007-07-19T13:56:10Z 2007-07-19T13:56:10Z Just Like You Imagined - Nine Inch Nails I feel much... much better.<br />And I don't know why. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:31403 2007-07-18T06:06:22Z 2007-07-18T06:06:22Z I just typed a huge long entry explaining everything right now. I deleted it because I know it is a waste of my time. Nothing will change and the more people get involved the worse things become for me. I can't depend on anyone for anything.<br /><br />You proved that.<br /><br /> <br /><br />They told the little boy that if you fly too close your wings will melt. <br />Nothing will reach this. Nothing will touch this.<br /><br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br />Pains subside. Power is a beautiful thing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:31167 2007-07-16T22:38:26Z 2007-07-16T22:38:26Z Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil Follow me to the shallow end urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:30857 2007-07-13T00:22:22Z 2007-07-13T00:22:22Z Sin - Nine Inch Nails I don't know what's going on. If I was wrong or not.<br />I don't feel good.<br />I feel terrible.<br />I can feel it build up. It slips out every now and then. People get angry when that happens. It's not exactly nice.<br />All I can do is wait. Pretend like everything is fine.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Catalyst. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:30578 2007-07-11T06:15:10Z 2007-07-11T06:15:10Z 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle For the sake of posting something meaningful...<br /><br />She's forgotten me. She ignores me completely now. I stopped trying a while ago. When she wouldn't pick up or text back, even when my body physically shut down and I passed out a second after making a desperate call to someone I thought cared deeply about me in case I would, I don't know, perhaps die, she still didn't reach back. This gap has sort of helped me though. I've become increasingly apathetic and I've grown to dispise relationships. In the end love is always a waste of time. A distraction. I don't know how she is. I know she is well enough though, after a short call to her sister to make sure I wasn't just thinking selfishly, as I have so often accused myself of in her concern.<br />Erica S. got a number from some guy a couple of days ago. I was happy for her, she was moving on from her break up. I was happy for her. That's it. I really could care less. As long as she wasn't suffering. Indifference. Apathy. That's all that has run my life this summer.<br />I like to get pissed off, which is dangerouse seeing as how I am constantly pissed off at something. I've gotten into several fights recently. We shout and scream and it grows and grows and where a sane person would end it I keep the fire going, even if it will spell my own defeat. I like this. It's good to feel an emotion. Yes, it is. And where you have nothing else to feel but one, well then you really have no choice in the matter.<br />I really loved her. I know she knows that. And what happened happened, and there is no changing the past. I've made a vow to myself, to never fall so easily again. We grow from our mistakes, well here's to me growing. I've got better things to do then to feel love. Such as spit on those beneath me and crush everything around me. Cause chaos, as I have always done inderectly or with full intention. The moon is nothing but a rock in the sky and the earth is nothing but an infested planet. Only I remain in the end, and only I will forever remain pure and powerful. I want to cause your end, and I will, or die trying.<br /><br />I've always loved my friends. My real friends, the one's that have stood by me from the start. But as of late I've grown distant from everyone. I don't know why, nor did I intend on this. Erica and I can't talk on the same level we used to... and I really miss that. We have so much pride. All of us. We don't want each other to see our weaknesses. This is what we've become.<br /><br />I hate this.<br />I don't know what I want anymore. The past... is the past. We're supposed to grow. Change. Become greater.<br />Then why are we so miserable? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:30269 2007-07-09T20:17:00Z 2007-07-09T20:17:00Z 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle Well it's been a while.<br /><br />Yesterday I spent 50 bucks on my very first mp3 player. It kicks ass, much better then an Ipod. Finally no more cd players and batteries and what-not.<br /><br />I also got a huge paycheck of 400 bucks the other day. Turns out I didn't pick up my previous paycheck of 200 before.<br /><br />I saw Transformers. It was perfect.<br />I saw Blood Diamond. It was alright.<br />I saw Bridge to Terabithia. Yes, I saw it, and it was good. Made me remember about how I was back when I was a kid. I miss that. Props to the little girl actress Anasophia Robb.<br /><br />Um. That's it. I think I saw that new kid Daniel today here at school. Don't know for sure, don't care much to find out. He doesn't know what I look like anyway. My class starts at six. I got here at two. The pictures I took for the class came out horrible, and I've forgotten the guidlines since it's been a week.<br />I hate school.<br /><br />Life's peachy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:30110 2007-07-03T02:53:03Z 2007-07-03T02:53:03Z I don't know the name... it's a really good post 90's song though. I just got a haircut today. I don't know if I like it. But at least my hair smells really good right now.<br /><br />My myspace has been "phished". Hacked.. if you will. And I can't fix it because the stupid verification picture where you have to type what you see isn't loading on my home comp at all.<br /><br />I'm going to have to take English next semester... yeah. I don't know if I'll have to pay this time or not.<br /><br />My back pains are getting worse, as is this strange pain under my lungs. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:29889 2007-07-01T05:37:53Z 2007-07-01T05:37:53Z What the Hell Have I (Remix) - Alice In Chains Just saw John Q. I have to say, that movie ranks up there with Children of Men. And John Q was made a long ass time ago, as well as it being a true story (I think). God that was the second time a movie hit me hard. It's what it means to be a father. A man...<br /><br />Today was wasted. The only good that came out of it was I hung out with Erica at her job and got free cake. I'm going to apply there for a second job. The pay is much higher and the work is much easier. I mean I'm breaking my back and getting paid less then she is. I'll stay at Michaels long enough to get my Framer's Certificate so that I can have some prestige.<br /><br />God... I'm in some real fucking pain right now...<br /><br />I"m going to have to cut this short. I have a paper to write and my back is a distraction enough.<br /><br /><br /><br />On an extra... I really miss her. I haven't really spoken to anyone actually recently. I'm fine, life's coasting, but it would be nice. I just wish someone could get me out of this hellish cycle...<br /><br />Carly texted me last night at around one. She hurt her ankle but she is fine. She was telling me about how across from her apartment at this hotel there was a huge thing going on with lights and camera crews. The curtains were wide open showing the world the next big porno to hit the shelves, and Carly had front row seats. She was horrified. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:29583 2007-06-25T22:49:00Z 2007-06-25T22:49:00Z Damage Done - Dark Tranquility So the weekend is finally over. Thank god.<br /><br />I need to see my friends.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shatterfallen:29185 2007-06-21T18:31:57Z 2007-06-21T18:31:57Z It's The Fear - Within Temptation You know...<br />One of the worst things someone close to you can do is insult you to your face, repeatedly as if she were right and it's the plain truth. I never fight for a lie, I always give credit where credit is due. What kind of person is so ungrateful and cruel to tell you that you deserve no thanks for all the work you put in, regardless of the goal, and that to even become half of what she is I'd have to discard my real friends for a bunch of fucking nerds and teacher's pets. Just so I could be part of that special little group, otherwise I'll have to accept my B's and C's on my report card for a class that is completely voluntary. Fuck I didn't have to come back, this entire time, for two fucking years I thought, "oh he's grading fairly. It's me, I'm not working hard enough." But no, if you want a good grade you have to kiss ass and be part of that special fucking group. All of them have their heads so far up their own asses that she couldn't even realise what she was saying, that she was insulting ME to my face. <br /><br />THIS is why I fucking hate challenge. It's just a school of a bunch of kiss ass snooty little bitches who look at the rest of us like we're a bunch of freaks. Challenge has never changed, never grown up, and I was blind enough to think I fucking fit in here. Even after two fucking years they can't see me as one of them, and even her... The one I did so much for, tells me that I didn't do shit. After all the time, money and devotion I put into her, this is how I'm repayed.<br /><br />Makes me think I must be wasting my fucking time. Not just with the class.<br /><br /> <br /><br />I'll be a General to the end. LJ motherfucker.